Meet The NEW Team
by Lt Colonel Summers
Summary: The NEW Team, first team in America to challenge Mann Co's RED Team to a Deathmatch game and win, is unlike any team the REDs have ever encountered in the Copycat Wars. So, who are they, really? And how different are they from the Australian Sniper, or the Russian Heavy, or the German Medic, or even the ambiguous Pyro? *Interquel to Mann Of Conspiracy*
1. Introduction

**Introduction**

So suppose the NEW Team, the OCs of the _Mann Of Conspiracy_ fan fic made their own Meet The Team videos?

This is what they'll look like.

But first off, an introduction taking place around the same time as the REDs' attempts at hacking the NEW-controlled Mann Corporation's databases...

* * *

Time: 26th of June, 2015.

Location: Computer Room, Gravel Outpost.

"Gotcha!" Engineer cried out when he got something from working on the computers.

Soldier turned toward the Texan. "What have you got, Engie?"

Engineer turned toward Soldier. "Ah've finally got through the NEW Team's firewall without causing this computer to explode! And ~woo wee!~ have we hit the jackpot!"

"You've found embarrassing photos of the NEWs?" Soldier asked.

"Nope..." Engineer replies. "The NEWs are smart enough not to upload any unrelated contents on the internet. But I've found something better. Remember the _Meet The Team_ videos we filmed 50 years ago?"

The answer to the Texan's question is so simple even someone as idiotic as Soldier is able to put two and two together. "The NEWs made their own version?"

"In the two days since they made bacon outta us, yes." Engineer replied again. "And that explains why we lost contact with the BLUs in the past two days: they were used as victims just like in our videos."

The two RED Mercenaries looked at the computer screen, which have just begun playing the NEW Team's version of the _Meet The Team_ videos in high-definition...

* * *

That's it for the introduction. From this point on, the NEWs' _Meet The Team_ "videos" will be written as though they were actually videos. Would've made then actual videos on actual Youtube if I owned a computer that can run Steam...

That is all. This punchline is the only one in this sub-series. _"Pootiscription here!"_


	2. Meet The Sailor

**Meet The Sailor**

Name: Paul Punchman

Home Town: London, England, United Kingdom.

Job: Scrubbing ship decks.

Motto: "If the Americans can't help you, call the British instead!"

Special Ability: Holding his breath underwater.

Description: As a former sailor of the British Royal Navy during World War 2, the Sailor always told himself that assistance is hard to come by when you're in the middle of a warzone, or an ocean, or a warzone in the middle of an ocean.

It was that very day in 1942 where Sailor's life was changed. The _HMS Winston_ was the warship he served on that day, when he and his crew were ambushed by a fleet Nazi U-Boats. The _Winston_ was not able to fight off the ambush, and her crews were forced to abandon ship. Sailor insisted to sacrifice himself in the place of the captain of the _Winston_. "Live to tell the tale!" Sailor told his then-CO, as he took over the helm.

U-Boat torpedoes continued to pepper the _Winston_. By the time the warship had sprung a massive leak from the damage, Sailor was the only person left on board. He tried his best to lead the U-Boats away from his fellow crewmembers who have escaped. Unbeknownst to Sailor, he had drove the warship into a shallow spot, wherein the pursuing U-Boats were forced to turn away due to their inability to navigate through shallow waters, and began pursuing the escaping crewmembers instead.

Sailor was shocked by the mistake he had just unintentionally made. When the _Winston_ was spotted beached at a nearby shore, all battered a few days later, Sailor was nowhere to be seen. Its as though the man had never existed. The British Royal Navy, not getting the full story of what actually happened, declared Sailor a deserter and traitor, and went on a hunt for him.

Since that uneventful day, Sailor escaped to the Americas, vowing to never return to Europe for the rest of his life. His unintended "betrayal" that day changed his life forever...

* * *

 **Voice Commands**

"I need a Medic!"

"Thanks, bud." ("Thanks" to anyone)

"Thank you, creep... No offense..." (On assist kill from a friendly Pyro, Spy, Arsonist and/or Striker)

"Affirmative." ("Yes")

"Denied." ("No")

"Onwards to the stern!" ("Go!")

"Port side!" ("Head left")

"Starboard side!" ("Head right")

"Watch out! T-Crossing!" ("Incoming!")

"Someone on this ship is not one of us..." ("Spy!")

"That (class) is a goddamn Spy!"

"That goddamn Spy is not one of ours!"

"Enemy Sentry on the stern!" ("Sentry ahead!")

"Enemy Mini-Tesla on the stern!" ("Mini-Tesla ahead!")

"Enemy Jammer on the stern!" ("Jammer ahead!")

"Deploy a Dispenser here, Engie!"

"Deploy a Sentry here, Engie!"

"Deploy a Teleporter here, Engie!"

"Deploy a Mini-Tesla here, Recon!"

"Deploy a Jammer here, Recon!"

"Deploy a Beacon here, Recon!"

"Deploy an Ubercharge on me, Medic!" ("Activate Ubercharge!")

"Give me some help!" ("Help!)

"Come on, everyone! Don't let the enemies capture our Point!"

"Over here, everyone! Capture the enemies' Point before they kill us!"

"SINK THEIR SHIPS!" (Battle cry)

"Good thing we are still sailing, mates." (Cheers)

"Darn it, mates! Now it's either slave labor in Australia, or fish food underwater!" (Jeers)

" _They_ are the ones leaking!" (positive)

"We've sprung a leak!" (negative)

"Bull's eye, bud!" ("Good shot!")

"Well done!" ("Good job!")

* * *

 **Response**

"You'll make a good candidate... as an artificial reef!" (Multi-kill in 20 seconds)

"Even a whale is smart enough to avoid harpoons!" (Kills using any Primary Weapons)

"Whoops! That wasn't mean for your head!" (Headshot kills using any Primary Weapons)

"I hope you have an insurance anchored to you..." (Kills using any Melee Weapon that is an Anchor)

"Go to hell, you Nazi scumbag!" (Killing a Medic)

"Communism is for idiots!" (Killing a Heavy)

"Fire and water don't bode well..." (Killing a Pyro)

"How's that for someone hailing from the most isolated country in the world?" (Killing a Striker)

"Maybe you South Koreans should stick with Zerg Rushes..." (Killing a Recon)

"Sorry, work hazard." (Destroying an Engineer or Recon's buildings)

"I have your ship!" (Domination)

"Simply being fast isn't good enough for a warship!" (Dominating a Scout)

"Proves that the United States doesn't have the best navy." (Dominating a Soldier)

"Like I said, fire and water doesn't bode well..." (Dominating a Pyro)

"That's why a warship's armory is the most heavily armored, chap!" (Dominating a Demoman)

"The 21st century is no place for a sword, you fossil!" (Dominating a Demo-Knighting Demoman)

"You Soviets really could've won, if you weren't led by Stalin." (Dominating a Heavy)

"Here's a tip from Engineering: If it's too late, haul ass!" (Dominating an Engineer)

"Give my regards to Hitler IN HELL!" (Dominating a Medic)

"Australia should've stayed as a British prison colony!" (Dominating a Sniper)

"Walk the plank, you shape-shifting berk!" (Dominating a Spy)

"Tojo should have known better than using Ninjas!" (Dominating a Ninja)

"From one Sailor to another: get lost!" (Dominating a Sailor)

"Watch that you don't sink your own ship." (Dominating an Arsonist)

"You should be lucky you were not burned on a stake." (Dominating a Mage)

"Making gold out of anything is all but a dream..." (Dominating an Alchemist)

"I though you South Koreans preferred large numbers over covert strategy?" (Dominating a Recon)

"Save your trumpet for your own funeral..." (Dominating a Musician)

"The sea is no place for Spanish Bullfighting!" (Dominating an Inflictor)

"Perhaps North Korea should stay minding only their own business..." (Dominating a Striker)

"Get off my ship!" (Revenge)

"Let's scrub the deck with their skin!" (Round start)

"Guess the Bridge will have to handle the rest..." (Sudden death)

"Looks like both sides got their ships beached during a low tide..." (Stalemate)

"Get me a fire extinguisher!" (on fire)

"Now's not the time for a shower!" (hit by Jarate, Mad Milk and their variations)

"I can't feel my body..." (paralyzed by an Inflictor)

"WHO'S PLAYING THE MUSIC?!" (lit aflame by a Musician's Vuvuzela Of Doom or Erectin' A BOOM)

"Sure beats asking Scotty to beam me." (Using a Teleporter)

"Thanks, doctor..." (healed by a friendly Medic)

"Never felt better, Mage..." (hit by a friendly Mage's Healing Potion)

"This here is a sailor who wants you off his ship!" (Ubercharged)

"Now that's what I call a naval achievement!" (earning an Achievement)

"Better than letting them know ours!" (Capturing Intelligence)

"I'm taking this ship for my crew!" (Capturing Point)

"Board this ship again and its a one-way ticket to the brig!" (Defense)

"Come on, Chaps! Pushing this cart is easier than pushing a cargo container!" (Attacking; Payload goes forward)

"That cart's autopilot is guiding it the wrong way!" (Attacking; Payload goes back)

"Don't let them recreate Pearl Harbor!" (Defending; Payload goes forward)

"And don't come back!" (Defending; Payload goes back)

* * *

 **The video**

Title theme of _Team Fortress 2_ plays, screen shows the title card _"Meet The Sailor"_ with a Harpoon Gun and Anchor (upside down) stacked inside an oil drum.

Scene cuts to Sailor running toward the tip of a warship's stern where the camera is, as a series of explosions erupt behind him. Sailor jumps off the tip of the stern while the tense music from the beginning of _Meet The Demoman_ plays, and then the video freezes.

"'Why is a sailor nowhere near the seas', you ask?" Sailor's voice plays over the same scene.

The scene cuts to Sailor speaking to the cameraman in a luxurious room in his yacht. On the table is a bucket of ice, several glasses of red wine, and what appears to be a Sniper's fedora. Next to the Sailor is the BLU Demoman, whose right hand holding a Bottle is the only part of his body visible in the shot.

"Well, because I'm on shore leave. That's why!" Sailor answers his own question, as he slams the table with his left hand. "You see, bud, we British finds our place in the seas. And back in the old days the British Empire have ships at every corner of the world, including China."

Scene now cuts back to Sailor on the same warship from the beginning of the video. He appears to be standing on the starboard side of the front deck, firing his Harpoon Gun at something on the waters.

The camera is now placed slightly behind the tip of the fired Harpoon. The Harpoon continues for a few meters before skewering a BLU Soldier's rocket, which promptly explodes.

Camera focuses on the BLU Soldier. "Attack!" The BLU Soldier yells, as the camera moves back several meters to reveal that the BLU Soldier is leading a fleet of speedboats and jet skis, each occupied by a BLU mercenary.

Camera cuts back to the Sailor, who loads another Harpoon, and launches it at a BLU Sniper, skewering him right through the scope of his Sniper Rifle.

Scene cuts back to the interview on the yacht.

"Oh, the Chinese should have known that while their politicians are superior than the British Empire's, their navy is not." Sailor continues his statement. He takes a shot of red wine from a wine glass. "Well, serves them right for being so arrogant!"

Scene cuts to the Sailor on the warship, fighting off the oncoming wave of BLU fleet alone. Rockets, grenades, and bullets begin to pepper his approximate location. Sailor grabs hold of a nearby oil drum, which he throws at a speedboat that is carrying a BLU Pyro. Upon contact with the pilot light of the Flamethrower, the oil drum exploded, gibbing the Pyro and sinking his speedboat. Debris from the same explosion decapitates a nearby BLU Demoman, and knocking his body into the waters.

Scene cuts back to the interview.

The camera moves back about a meter to reveal that the BLU Demoman sitting next to Sailor is in fact the same decapitated BLU Demoman.

"As much as I hate to admit, the British Empire is also a tad bit arrogant..." Sailor said awkwardly. "And it is that very arrogance that led to the birth of the United States Of America." Sailor looks down at the wine glass in his hand, and then back at the camera. "But who am I to kid? The concept of naval combat wouldn't have existed were it not for the British!"

Scene cuts to the warship, where the BLU invaders have thrown grappling hooks at the deck, and are climbing up the hull toward Sailor. Frantic, the Sailor runs off the deck for a few seconds, before coming back with an entire naval artillery shell, which he is holding above his head.

"Bomb-voyage, suckers!" Sailor taunted before throwing the shell down.

The shell knocks down every BLU mercenaries that are climbing up the hull, sending them down into the waters. The shell then explodes on contact with a speedboat, causing a chain reaction that blows up all the BLU invaders.

Scene cuts back to the interview. The Sailor suddenly swipes the table, causing everything on it to fall off. For a brief moment, a BLU Soldier's head can be seen falling out of the bucket of ice.

"And that's why you do not mess with someone who knows the sea better than the back of his hand!"

Video ends like a typical _Meet The Team_ video, except that the REDs are replaced with NEW mercenaries. Sailor is seen swinging the Anchor to his right, at the far left of the NEW Team line-up. His left hand is balled up into a fist, pointing at the retreating camera.

 _Team Fortress 2: Mann Of Conspiracy_


	3. Meet The Musician

**Meet The Musician**

Name: Mario Ichitali

Home Town: Venice, Italy.

Job: Musician (Duh!)

Motto: "Want some classical music? I recommend Beethoven."

Favorite historical musician: Beethoven

Description: Music is to the Musician what demolition is to the Demoman. It was just another day in the Musician's life as... well, a musician, playing his violin in the streets of Venice, when he sees something he thought was very improbable even with the so-called Australium from the Land Down Under...

What he saw that time was a fellow musician stopping a bank job in progress using only his music to subdue the bank robbers. The situation ended in zero conflict and even the Italian police force was amazed.

Amazed by this feat, Musician decided that he should hone his skill for something similar. And so he went back to his house in rural Venice. Days after days, Musician did not take a single step out of his house, spending every second possible on perfecting his weaponized music notes. Until one day, he played a music so good that an attempted robbery was stopped at his own doorstep with the robber having ate his own gun (literally) after hearing it.

Since then, Musician has found his calling. This is where he belong: in the middle of a warzone where the enemies will cower in fear of his impressive music...

* * *

 **Voice Commands**

" _Medico_!" ("Medic!")

" _Grazie_." ("Thanks!")

"Go!" ("Go Go Go!")

"Up the stage you go!" ("Move up!")

"Pitch left!" ("Head left!")

"Pitch right!" ("Head right!")

" _Si_." ("Yes")

" _No._ " ("No") (*Is spoken in Italian, not English*)

"Make way for the musician!" ("Incoming!")

"Someone in the band is not one of ours..." ("Spy!")

"This (class) is a Spy!"

"This Spy is not with our band!"

"Watch out for that Sentry!" ("Sentry ahead!")

"Watch out for that Mini-Tesla!" ("Mini-Tesla ahead!")

"Watch out for that Jammer!" ("Jammer ahead!")

"I require a Teleporter here!" ("Teleporter here!")

"I require a Dispenser here!" ("Dispenser here!")

"I require a Sentry here!" ("Sentry here!")

"I require a Mini-Tesla here!" ("Mini-Tesla here!")

"I require a Jammer here!" ("Jammer here!")

"I require a Beacon here!" ("Beacon here!")

"Hit the Ubercharge, _Medico_!" ("Activate Ubercharge!")

"I require assistance!" ("Help!")

"Point, here!" (Used for both defending friendly Point and capturing enemy Point. Also used as automatic Responses for the respective actions.)

"Time to perform." (Battle Cry)

"Amazing performance!" (Cheers and "Positive")

"Wrong treble!" (Jeers and "Negative")

* * *

 **Response**

"No ticket, no performance!" (Multi-kill in 20 seconds)

"Splendid collaboration, _compagno_!" (Assist kill, healed by Medic and hit by Mage's Healing Potions)

"I'll be a Fascist hypocrite if I chew out any Nazi..." (Assist kill from a Medic using his Primary or Melee Weapon as opposed to the Secondary Weapons or Crusader Crossbow)

"While you are on the other side, could you get me Beethoven's hand signature?" (Kills using any Melee Weapon except Class-neutral weapons like Frying Pan or Saxxy)

"I don't care who you are, but do not interrupt my performance!" (Domination) (The Musician has no class-specific Domination lines)

*Singing* "Revenge is best served cold~" (Revenge kills)

"Hey, which one of you _idiota_ broke note?!" (Sudden death)

"They played as well as we are..." (Stalemate)

"Fire! FIRE! FIIIIIIREEEEEE!" (Set on fire)

"It appears that someone is not impressed by my performance..." (Hit by Jarate, Mad Milk and their variations)

"If you are not satisfied with my performance, throw me a fruit, not a tranquilizer!" (Paralyzed by Inflictor)

"THAT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE INSULT TO MUSIC ITSELF!" (Lit aflame by an enemy Musician's Vuvuzela Of Doom or Erectin' A BOOM)

"Let us welcome... THE MUSICIAN!" (Using a Teleporter)

"And now... For the FINAL ACT!" (Ubercharged)

"Sorry, that wasn't the last one..." (Ubercharge ends without getting any kills or Assist Kills within the duration)

"Stealing sheet music was easier..." (Capturing Intelligence)

"Thank you for attending my performance, _compagno_." (Defense)

"Music finds its place on the battlefield, everyone!" (Defense, in the event that the entire team is crewed by only Musicians)

"Let's stop the enemy from performing!" (Attacking; Payload round begins)

"To the last note!" (Attacking; Payload goes forward)

"Its playing in reverse!" (Attacking; Payload goes back)

"Don't let them stop our performance!" (Defending; Payload round begins, and Payload goes forward)

"Keep them in reverse!" (Defending; Payload goes back)

"Nobody interrupts my performance!" (Defending; Winning Payload round)

* * *

 **The video**

Screen shows the _Meet The Musician_ title card, where a jet black violin and bow can be seen propped against the background itself. The title theme of _Team Fortress 2_ is played with a violin instead of the usual drum/trumpet combo.

Camera closes in on the Musician from behind him. The Musician is at the moment playing the American funeral tune on a trumpet.

Musician took note of the cameraman's presence, stops playing the trumpet, and turns toward the camera. "Hello there, _compagno_!" He greets the cameraman with a thick Italian accent. "Funeral? _No_ , I am just giving my worthy opponents a sending. I am the only person in this tiny graveyard right now..." He pats a tombstone with his left hand. The rest of the tombstone is out of the shot.

Scene cuts to a BLU Heavy eating a Sandvich in a similar manner as in _Meet The Scout_. Like that video, he is also interrupted mid-bite, this time by Musician poking the back of his head with a violin bow.

"Hey, you..." Musician told the BLU Heavy with an intimidating tone. "No snacks allowed in any performances."

Scene cuts back to the graveyard. Musician is seen wiping the top of the tombstone with his violin bow.

"This _idiota_ kind of deserved this..." Musician continues with the interview. "You see, I like to see every place I go as a stage I'm performing on..."

Scene cuts to Musician wrestling the BLU Heavy. The Russian mercenary attempts to punch the Italian while screaming, but the latter manages to dodge all of them.

Scene cuts back to the graveyard. Musician has somehow procured a violin from nowhere, and his trumpet is placed on top of the tombstone. "...And every performers expect their audience to not interrupt the performance they have been working on for a long time..."

Scene cuts to the BLU Heavy, who is now pinning Musician against the floor. Musician tries to reach his Weighted Violin. The BLU Heavy is about to punch Musician straight in the back of his head...

...And then the scene cuts back to the graveyard. Musician is now playing the same Weighted Violin. "You know how some performers goes berserk when days, weeks, months or even years of hard work gets ruined in mere seconds." He suddenly stops playing. "I'm one of those people..."

Musician suddenly lifts the Weighted Violin above his head, and then he brings it down like a hammer on the tombstone, smashing a chunk of marble off it, and launching a tiny chunk toward the camera, which cracked the lower right corner of the lens. Right now, the camera panned back enough to reveal that said tombstone is engraved with "RIP BLU Heavy".

"So, lesson of life: do not, under any circumstances, interrupt anyone's performance, no matter how horrible you think it is..."

Scene cuts one last time to the BLU Heavy, now dead, with a violin bow skewering his head. Musician is seen playing the same American funeral tune here.

 _Meet The Team_ styled ending. Musician stood at the right hand side of the NEW Team line up between Recon and Inflictor, while playing the Weighted Violin. Coincidentally, the outro theme, like the intro theme, is played with a violin and not the usual saxophone.

 _Team Fortress 2: Mann Of Conspiracy_


	4. Meet The Ninja

**Meet The Ninja**

Name: Yamada Yukiko

Home town: Hokkaido, Japan.

Job: Sneaking around.

Motto: "Some people have a horse and a deer as their parents, and I hate those kind of people..."

Successful infiltrations: Unknown. There could be infiltrations that nobody even knew ever happened.

Description: Hailing from a coastal town in the northern parts of modern Japan where everyone are born with special skills, Ninja's is to sneak about undetected, sometimes she can walk right by someone's eyes and still not be seen. Nobody understands how the Japanese girl manages to be so stealthy, but it is her stealthiness that allowed her to get her job in NEW Team.

There has been rumors that Ninja may have a head of hair as improbable in both colors and hairstyle as one of those Japanese anime, but nobody is able to prove it because aside from her never taking her ninja gear off, nobody has been able to lay a finger on her.

* * *

 **Voice Commands**

" _Ishi!_ " ("Medic!")

" _Arigato~_ " ("Thanks!" to anyone)

" _Banzai!_ " ("Go go go!", "Move up!" and Battle Cry)

"Left!" ("Go left!")

"Right!" ("Go right!")

" _Hait~_ " ("Yes")

" _Inaya!_ " ("No")

"Make way!" ("Incoming!")

"We have a Spy among us!" ("Spy!)

"(Class), you are a Spy!"

"Spy, you are not with us!"

"They have a turret gun over there!" ("Sentry ahead!")

"They have a shocker over there!" ("Mini-Tesla ahead!")

"They have a disruptor over there!" ("Jammer ahead!")

"Engie, need a relocator here..." ("Teleporter here!")

"Engie, need a supplier here..." ("Dispenser here!")

"Engie, need a turret gun here..." ("Sentry here!")

"Recon, need a shocker here..." ("Mini-Tesla here!")

"Recon, need a disruptor here..." ("Jammer here!")

"Recon, need a Beacon here..." ("Beacon here!")

"Charge me!" ("Activate Ubercharge!")

"I cannot do this alone!" ("Help!")

"Someone else needs to stand on this Point with me!" (Standing on Control Points, whether friendly or opposing team's. Also used as automatic Responses for the same thing)

" _Pafuketo~_ " (Cheers and Positive)

" _Baka! Baka! Baka!_ " (Jeers and Negative)

"I envy your skills with a gun. _Paru-paru..._ " ("Nice shot!")

" _Yoidesu~_ " ("Good job!")

* * *

 **Responses**

"This is how we hake sushi in _Nippon_." (Multi-kill in 20 seconds)

"As a Ninja, I would have said 'a true fighter does not rely on gimmicks', but I am not that kind of Ninja~" (Destroying an Engineer's building)

"Ha, lucky for you, you're not a _zainichi_ ~" (Destroying a Recon's building)

"Thanks, _yujin_." (Kill Assist, and being healed by a Medic or Mage)

"And this is why we _Nihonjin_ prefer to use a katana!" (Melee kills)

"Shooting from a distance isn't so good when you can't see what is right next to you..." (Killing a Sniper)

"Been to a minefield, saw worse..." (Killing a Demoman or Arsonist)

"Let me give you a suggestion: giant robots~" (killing an Engineer or Recon)

"That's for growing up in an entire country of _Hikkikomori_ , _baka~_ " (Killing a Striker)

"You must be made of beancurd, if this thing is able to kill you..." (Kills with a Shuriken or any Primary Weapons)

"Dominations! That's what Hideki Tojo wanted on the whole world!" (Domination)

"Eat your own dust!" (Dominating a Scout)

"This Japanese katana has just sliced your American boot in half!" (Dominating a Soldier)

"Take off your mask. You don't look villainous enough in it." (Dominating a Pyro)

"Like I said, I've seen bigger minefields..." (Dominating a Demoman)

"Why did the Soviet Union lose? Because Stalin is a _baka_!" (Dominating a Heavy)

"I wonder why do army men wear helmets if they don't serve any practical purposes?" (Dominating an Engineer)

"As much as I hate to admit it, Hitler did save _Doitsu_ from economical depression..." (Dominating a Medic. Note: _Doitsu_ is Japanese for "Germany")

"Let's see you turning into a corpse... Oh wait, you did!" (Dominating a Spy)

"Not my face, _meinu_!" (Dominating a Spy who happens to be disguised as a Ninja)

"You are a disgrace to Ninjitsu..." (Dominating a Ninja)

"Don't you know that ninjas got most of their kills near deep water?" (Dominating a Sailor)

"Are you actually _myuto_?" (Dominating an Arsonist)

"Sorry, but people these days loves ninjas more than witches..." (Dominating a Mage)

"Being immortal doesn't make you invincible, I guess." (Dominating an Alchemist)

"At least we Japanese are less addicted to video games than you South Koreans!" (Dominating a Recon)

"Not to be foul-mouthed, but you are a pile of bull...!" (Dominating an Inflictor)

"Here's a suggestion: try J-Pop." (Dominating a Musician)

"Not surprising for someone hailing from an entire country of _Hikkikomori_..." (Dominating a Striker)

"You should have watched your back!" (Revenge kills)

"See you all later!" (Round start)

" _Yare-yare da ze..._ " (Sudden Death)

" _BAAAAAKA!_ " (Stalemate)

"Why are we even sneaking around...?" (Stalemate if team consists only of Spies and/or Ninjas)

"A Ninja should not be on fire, but I am!" (On Fire)

" _Gurosu~!_ " (Hit by Jarate, Mad Milk or their variants)

" _Kuso_..." (Paralyzed by an Inflictor)

"This is why I prefer J-Pop..." (Lit aflame by a Musician's Vuvuzela Of Doom or Erectin' A BOOM)

"The days of jumping over rooftops are over!" (Using a Teleporter)

"I'll help you back someday~" (Healed by a Medic or Mage)

"Now you can't outrun _or_ kill me~" (Under the effects of Ubercharge)

"Another...? *Sigh*" (Earning an Achievement)

" _Baibai~_ " (Pick up Intelligence)

"This wouldn't have happened if you had shared it with us..." (Capture Intelligence)

"A classic Jidai Geki scene with a modern twist..." (Attacking or Defending, Payload goes forward)

"Wait, we're the escorts?" (Attacking, Payload goes back or has stopped)

"Don't let them continue the escort!" (Defending, Payload goes back)

* * *

 **The video**

Camera focuses on a dark corner in Well. In fact, its the same corner where _Meet The Scout_ began.

The NEW Sailor, Mage, Arsonist and Striker slowly walks out of the dark corner. Sailor peeks around the wall, only to quickly retreat as BLU Sniper fires at him and hitting the same wall.

It is Mage's turn to peek around the wall. She too retreats as BLU Engineer appears on top of a shipping container all of a sudden, and deploys a Combat Mini-Sentry which fires upon her.

Striker gestures at Arsonist to "relinquish the enemy of guards". Arsonist nods in acknowledgement, and steps out of cover while running toward the BLU's Well base as fast as a Scout is... only to be quickly fired upon by a Brass Beast-equipped BLU Heavy supported by a Vaccinator-equipped BLU Medic that came out of nowhere. The masked bomber makes a mad dash back to his comrades' sides.

Striker shook his head, and gestures for someone from deeper within the shadows.

A black blur dashes out of the shadows, and towards the direction of the BLU's fortifications.

The BLU Heavy and Medic are decapitated by the black blur before either of them can react. The black blur then double jumps onto the shipping container that BLU Engineer is standing on, and then skewers both him and his Combat Mini-Sentry with a single thrust of what appears to be a Katana. After finishing off the Texan technician, the black-clad figure then jumps onto the rooftops of the BLU's base, decapitating a BLU Scout that just jumped out of a window, and then narrowly dodging a Rocket-Jumping BLU Soldier equipped with the Mantreads.

The BLU Sniper continues to fire at the blur with his Sniper Rifle, but kept on missing. In the end, he is forced to shoot at the blur with his SMG before he too got decapitated.

The blur stops moving, and the camera focuses on the Katana which has the BLU Sniper's severed head skewered on it.

Theme of _Team Fortress 2_ plays over a title card that reads _"Meet The Ninja"_ with the T in "Meet" having been replaced by an actual Katana in its sheath.

Ninja jumps in front of the title card from above the top of the screen.

"Now you might be thinking that a girl like me is not fit to be in a warzone. But trust me when I say this: I think my team's boss may have watched too much Anime when he hired me..." Ninja said as she leans against the title card. She then snaps her fingers once. "But its okay, ninjas are always better to have as an ally than any other type of fighters..."

Camera cuts to a Control Point in Well, focused on the NEW Recon who is defending the Point with a Recon Nest consisting of his Beacon at Level 3. He is in the process of building a Mini-Tesla when BLU Spy snuck up from behind him.

As the BLU Spy prepares to backstab Recon, the camera switching to the Frenchman's back, he is suddenly decapitated as Ninja dashes by him. Although BLU Spy has the Dead Ringer equipped, Ninja's decapitation attack does so much damage that it kills him outright anyway, resulting in both a fake and real corpse of the BLU Spy rag-dolling on the ground.

Recon turns around, and exclaims in Korean when he saw the two decapitated BLU Spy corpses.

Ninja reappears in front of Recon. "Watch your back. You are priority target for Spies without your disruptor..."

Camera cuts back to the title card.

"Giant robots, giant monsters, tentacle monsters... Those have gone out of fashion a long time ago..." Ninja continues her speech. "But, people these days prefers high school girls, girls in sailor uniforms... and ninjas like me..."

Camera cuts to Well, showing the NEW mercenaries besieging the BLU's base.

Camera focuses on the BLU Demoman, equipped with the Eyelander, Tide Turner and Ali Baba's Wee Booties, and is charging toward Musician who has his back turned against the Scotsman. Halfway through his dash, BLU Demoman's upper body is separated from his lower body as Ninja passes by from behind him. Momentum carried both halves of the corpse toward Musician's feet. The Italian performer exclaimed "Mama mia!" when he saw the two halves.

Camera cuts back to the title card, where Ninja does a horizontal sword-swinging motion whilst saying "Knights or samurai, they were never able to beat ninjas back in the feudal days..."

Camera cuts to Well, this time focusing on BLU Soldier running over the shipping containers, firing his Air Strike at Ninja while trying to keep up with her.

Ninja then performs a wall jump onto the top of the shipping containers, and decapitates BLU Soldier in the process.

Camera cuts back to the title card. Ninja is still speaking. "Present days, army soldiers with machine guns and sniper rifles are still helpless against ninjas..."

Camera cuts to Well, where Striker, having ran out of Assault Rifle ammo, tries to gun down a W+M1-ing Phlogistonator-equipped BLU Pyro that is approaching him with his Pistol. BLU Pyro is nowhere near death despite all the bullets hitting him, and as he gets close to Striker...

...Ninja suddenly jumps out from behind Striker, and skewers BLU Pyro in the face. Striker just stood there, saying nothing, but he doesn't look surprised either.

Camera cuts back to the title card, where Ninja delivers the last part of her speech. "Before the NEW Team, I worked with a bunch of people who kept telling me to not participate in any games because I've been apparently stealing their kills. Well..." She then throws a Shuriken at the camera, which creates a crack on the lenses as it bounces off. "...My only response to those _meinu_ is to tell them that they are crossbreeds of a horse and deer..."

Ninja leans closer to the still-cracked camera. "...And you know what a horse-deer means in Japanese? It means..." Ninja proceeds to flip the camera on its sides. " _Ba-Ka_!" She finishes the sentence, with a subtitle on the bottom of the screen translating the phrase as _"I-diot!"_. Ninja starts to walk out of the scene, with the camera still cracked and lying on the floor sideways. "That's what I will say with a straight face to those who dared call me a pink-haired freak!"

 _Meet The Team_ ending. Ninja is posing with an unsheathed Katana raised above her head horizontally, while standing behind Striker, and between Mage and Recon.

 _Team Fortress 2: Mann Of Conspiracy_


	5. Meet The Inflictor

**Meet The Inflictor**

Name: unknown (subject requests to be only referred to as "Inflictor")

Home town: Madrid, Spain.

Job: Giving shots.

Motto: "Salir del camino!" [Get out of the way!]

Description: Inflictor hails from the bullfighting country that is Spain, and was formerly a rather famous bullfighter. Until something got her interested in her mother's chemistry experiments, which ended in a really weird way. She spent an entire year on said experiment, until one day, the Inflictor simply disappeared from Spain altogether. The famous bullfighter has not been heard from ever since.

* * *

 **Voice Commands**

"Over here, _Senor_!" ("Medic!")

 _"Gracias."_ ("Thanks!")

 _"Adelante!"_ ("Go Go Go!")

"Charge left!" ("Left!")

"Charge right!" (Right!")

" _Si_." ("Yes")

"No."

" _Salir del camino!"_ ("Incoming!")

"Spy, amongst us!" ("Spy!")

" _Senor_ / _Senorita_ (Class) is an enemy Spy!"

" _Senor_ Spy is a traitor!"

"Enemy Sentry!" ("Sentry ahead!")

"Enemy Tesla!" ("Mini-Tesla ahead!")

"Enemy Jammer!" ("Jammer ahead!")

"Put a Teleporter here!"

"Put a Dispenser here!"

"Put a Sentry here!"

"Put a Tesla here!"

"Put a Jammer here!"

"Put a Beacon here!"

"Use the charge now, _medico_!" ("Deploy Ubercharge!")

" _Ayuda_!" ("Help!" Also used for capturing or defending Control Points.)

"I was originally a bullfighter!" (Battle cry)

"I am the bullfighter and you are the bull!" (Battle cry, when both Inflictor and the enemy are wielding Melee Weapons, unless facing a Spy or Striker.)

"Just like my old career!" (Battle cry, versus a Demoknight)

"Let this be honorable!" (Battle cry, against another Inflictor)

" _Positivo_!" (Positive and Cheers)

"*Incomprehensible Spanish swearing*" (Jeers)

" _No es bueno_..." (Negative)

"Nice shot, _amigo_."

"Well done." ("Good job!")

* * *

 **Response**

"Numbers do not always matter..." (Multi-kills in 20 seconds with a Melee Weapon.)

"One bull was harder to fight than you bunch..." (Multi-kills in 20 seconds with a Primary Weapon.)

"I have to admit, actual bulls can't spawn calves right off the bat..." (Destroying an Engineer or Recon's buildings. Only possible with Melee Weapons, as Inflictor's Primary and Secondary Weapons do not work on them.)

"Never seen your kind before..." (Killing a Ninja or Striker for the first time in a match)

"It is always good to fight as _amigos_!" (Kill assist)

"I apologize, _Senor_ Sniper, if that was your kill!" (Kill assisting a Primary-equipped Sniper)

"Now stand still while my _amigos_ feed you bullets." (Paralyzing someone with Dart Gun, Blowgun or variations thereof)

"One less bull to take down..." (Kills in Deathmatch games)

"If you see any bulls while Respawning, tell them I say hello!" (Domination)

"You are like a whining baby!" (Dominating a Scout)

"Your rode... Oh wait, wrong American state..." (Dominating a Soldier)

"I swear to you, as a bullfighter, I have never before turned my victims into steaks..." (Dominating a Pyro)

"Even a mad bull is more sensible than a drunk Scotsman." (Dominating a Demoman)

"You are big. Fought bigger." (Dominating a Heavy)

"You picked the wrong place for a rodeo ride, _amigo_..." (Dominating an Engineer)

"Maybe your madness is the reason Hitler rejected you. (Dominating a Medic)

"Cowards like you are better off among the spectators..." (Dominating a Sniper)

"Perhaps you should become a bull. That will provide more challenge to me." (Dominating a Spy)

"Now I see what Japan can do..." (Dominating a Ninja)

"Fighting bulls is one thing. Fighting bull sharks is another." (Dominating a Sailor)

"Put the bomb down, disarmed. Your kind of people are not welcome anywhere in the world." (Dominating an Arsonist)

"If you are over 200 years old as claimed, have you seen the very first bullfight in Spain?" (Dominating a Mage)

"Never believed in alchemy, anyway..." (Dominating an Alchemist)

"I do believe you should have kept your strength-in-numbers strategy." (Dominating a Recon)

"Your catchy tune does not fit a bullfight, so get lost!" (Dominating a Musician)

"I do hope that is not your best, _amigo_..." (Dominating an Inflictor)

"To quote your _Lider Supremo_ : Mind your own business!" (Dominating a Striker)

"This is not a red cape. This is a cape splattered with blood from both of us!" (Revenge kills)

" _Panem et circes._ As phrased in Latin..." (Round start)

"You expect me to fight bulls with just my bare hands?! Be _en serio_!" (Sudden Death)

"Stalemates have never happened in bullfights before!" (Stalemate)

" _FUEGO!"_ (On fire)

"I prefer bull excretion over human ones..." (Hit by Jarate, Mad Milk or their variations)

"As they often say, a taste of your own medicine..." (Paralyzed by an Inflictor)

"Even an animal will agree that it is horrible!" (Lit aflame by a Musician's Vuvuzela Of Doom or Erectin' A BOOM)

"This one is a lot better than a _paso subterraneo_." (Using a Teleporter)

" _Gracias, medico_." (Healed by friendly Medics)

"This may be unfair, but nothing is ever fair in a bullfight!" (Ubercharged)

"*Whispers* _Vamos_..." (Picking up Intelligence)

"Come on, charge at this red cape I am standing on!" (Capturing a Point)

"Push! Oh, a bull is lighter than this..." (Attacking, Payload goes forward)

"Someone is pushing it back!" (Attacking, Payload goes back)

"This bull won't move itself!" (Attacking, Payload has stopped)

"Stop it!" (Defending, Payload goes forward or stopping it)

"We send this bull back to them, _amigos_!" (Defending, Payload goes back)

* * *

 **The video**

Camera focuses up close on the twin Gatling guns of a BLU Level 3 Sentry Gun, firing at something off-screen, before the camera zooms out to show a BLU Engineer and his Dispenser in Dustbowl.

BLU Engineer laughs evilly as the Sentry Gun continues firing at its target under the control of his Wrangler. Then as BLU Engineer adjusts the aim of his Wrangler, he abruptly freezes mid-aim, much to his chagrin.

"Darn..." BLU Engineer cursed right before NEW Ninja comes and slices up both him and his buildings in a single swing of her Katana while dashing.

NEW Ninja then casually walks back into the camera, and gives a thumbs up to someone off-screen.

Camera cuts to BLU Scout running backwards while firing his Back Scatter, "Eat my dust!" at NEW Sailor who is unable to catch up with him while carrying his Anchor. BLU Scout also freezes abruptly, "Ah, crap..." which allows Sailor to catch up and split him in half with his Anchor. Sailor also gives a thumbs up to someone off-screen.

Camera cuts to the entrance of the BLUs' Spawn, where BLU Medic emerges from while proclaiming "I am fully charged!". BLU Medic abruptly freezes right under the open gate, and could only scream in terror before he is jinxed to death by NEW Mage and Alchemist ganging up on him. The British and Irish magicians both turn toward the camera, and gives a thumbs up to whoever's standing behind it at the moment.

Camera cuts to the BLU Spy, about to activate his Cloak but froze right as he is about to do it. The Frenchman immediately has his skull caved in from behind by NEW Recon using his Hammer. The South Korean then turns straight at the camera, and gives two thumbs up.

Cue title card displaying the text _Meet The Inflictor_ , with the _Magnum Force_ BGM from _Meet The Sniper_ playing in the background.

Camera cuts to NEW Inflictor riding a motorcycle through the same desert highway from _Meet The Sniper_ , the camera is able to keep pace with her, and is focused on her face. She is not wearing a helmet.

"Let me tell you this, _amigo_..." Inflictor said while looking at the camera. "Some say never to look back. But for me, I always look back at my old career. That is how I am able to survive in this wretched _mundo_..."

Scene cuts to Dustbowl, where BLU Soldier is about to rocket-jump onto the second Control Point. He abruptly freezes with his Rocket Jumper pointed downwards.

Then NEW Arsonist passes by and drops three packs of C4 Explosives at BLU Soldier's feet, before he quickly rushes out of the screen.

"Oh, no..." BLU Soldier said before the C4 Explosives detonated, blowing him into gibs.

The camera zooms out away from the second Control Point, where Arsonist gives Inflictor two thumbs up outside the shack that housed the first Point.

Scene cuts back to the desert, where Inflictor is shown using the same payphone from _Meet The Sniper_.

"I'm not bullfighting anymore, _madre_..." Inflictor told someone behind the line. "They don't have such sport in the USA! And no, _madre_ , they stopped using that a long time ago!"

Camera skips back to Inflictor on the motorcycle. "Let me be embarrassed to tell you this: That failed experiment my mother did? It somehow regressed her age, both physically and mentally..."

Scene cuts to Dustbowl, where BLU Sniper is about to land a headshot on NEW Striker who has his back turned. When he did line up his shot perfectly, the Australian finds himself unable to pull his own trigger finger. Inflictor has also suddenly walked into BLU Sniper's POV all of a sudden.

And then Striker suddenly turns around, and looks straight at BLU Sniper.

"Ah, piss..." BLU Sniper cursed when he sees the North Korean mercenary lining up his own headshot with his Assault Rifle.

Scene cuts away the split second Striker fires his first shot, back at the desert.

"There is a saying we bullfighters shared amongst ourselves back in the days." Inflictor told the cameraman as she continues driving down the highway. "' _Ser eficiente en todo momento_.' It means 'Be efficient at all times'"

Inflictor suddenly grabs her Dart Gun with her right hand, while keeping her left hand on the motorcycle handle, and fires a shot at something off road.

Camera moves away from Inflictor for a short moment and pans toward a vulture that is perched on a cactus. Said vulture has a dart stuck right on its beak.

Camera immediately moves back to Inflictor afterwards. "And I like to be efficient at all times."

Scene goes to Dustbowl, where Inflictor from off-screen successfully paralyzes BLU Pyro, Heavy and Demoman (who is Demo-knighting) in succession right as they are about to step on the third Control Point, which NEW Musician is capturing.

Musician proceeds to point behind the three BLU mercenaries while smiling, and whips out his Funeral Trumpet.

The BLUs exclaimed together when they saw that. And right as Musician starts playing the Funeral Trumpet, the BLUs are immediately mobbed by the rest of the NEW Team whom are all using their Melee Weapons.

Right before the mobbing begins, the camera cuts back to the desert, where Inflictor kills the engines of her motorcycle and turns straight toward the camera which somehow managed to stop alongside her.

"You should know, _amigo_ , that it is not very often that we Spaniards get to work with people from around the world. Europeans, maybe. But almost never Asians. Maybe I should take my _amigos_ to a tour in Spain after all this is over, no?"

 _Meet The Team_ styled ending. Inflictor is standing between Musician and Sailor, covering the lower half of her face with her Bladed Fan which is opened but the blades not deployed.

 _Team Fortress 2: Mann Of Conspiracy_

Scene cuts right back to Inflictor's earlier phone call as a stinger.

" _Madre..._ " Inflictor said, while face-palming. "Can you please put _padre_ on the line...?"


	6. Meet The Mage

**Meet The Mage**

Name: Bernice

Home town: Southampton, England, United Kingdoms.

Job: performing magic tricks(?)

Motto: "You expecting me to pull a bloody rabbit out of my hat?"

Favorite literature: _Harry Potter_ series.

Description: Few people had any idea how Mage manages to perform her tricks, and the ones who does know are skeptical about her so-called magic. At least it proves once and for all that Clarke's Third Law wasn't always right.

One thing to note, though: don't mention the rabbit-from-a-hat-trick to Mage with a straight face.

* * *

 **Voice Commands**

"Doctor, please~?" ("Medic!")

"Thank you~" ("Thanks")

"Well don't expect a flying carpet or broom!" ("Go Go Go!")

"Left goes here~" ("Head left")

"Right goes here~" ("Head right")

"Sure. Go ahead..." ("Yes")

"No, and no..." ("No")

"*rapidly* Last one to leave will be jinxed!" ("Incoming!")

"There's something funny about one of us..." ("Spy!")

"*class*? Is that really you?" ("That *class* is a Spy!")

"Spy, do you mind putting on a disguise in front of me?" ("That Spy is not on our side!")

"I think there is a Sentry over there..." ("Sentry ahead!")

"I think there is a Mini-Tesla over there..." ("Mini-Tesla ahead!")

"I think there is a Jammer over there..." ("Jammer ahead!")

"Can I have a Teleporter here?"

"Can I have a Dispenser here?"

"Can I have a Sentry here?"

"Can I have a Mini-Tesla here?"

"Can I have a Jammer here?"

"Can I have a Beacon here?"

"Charge me, doctor!" ("Deploy Ubercharge!")

"I'm just a low-level magician, so I need help!" ("Help!")

"Come on! This Point is not magical!" ("Help" when capturing or defending Point)

"Don't be late for my tricks!" (Battle Cry)

"Challenge accepted..." (Battle Cry, when facing a Mage or Alchemist)

"Now let's see... Science or magic...?" (Battle Cry, when facing an Engineer or Recon)

"This broom doesn't fly, but I will sweep you away with it! ...Am I phrasing it right?" (Battle Cry, with any Melee Weapon except Frying Pan or Saxxy equipped)

"That was a nice trick!" (Cheers)

"You want to be turned into a frog?!" (Jeers)

"Close, but still pretty good." (Positive)

"*Deadpan* Not even close..." (Negative)

"Wow, even I didn't see that guy/girl." ("Nice Shot!")

"Keep this up, and you might just surpass Harry Houdini in his profession." ("Good job!")

* * *

 **Responses**

"You're lucky you are only cursed to death." (3 enemies killed in 20 seconds with Primary Weapon)

"...Oops! I spoke too soon!" (Only occurs if the fourth enemy killed with Primary Weapon within the same 20 second as the previous response is killed via Critical Hit, which transforms the victim into a frog)

"To quote Medic: 'Oops! That was not medicine!'" (Multi-kill in 20 seconds with Secondary Weapon other than stock Healing Potion)

"I could sweep you under the rug, but you're just too big." (Multi-kill in 20 seconds with Melee Weapon except for Frying Pan and Saxxy)

"Midas Touch. I wasn't expecting that..." (Kills with the Golden Frying Pan or Saxxy)

"Hey! You look just like me!" (Killing a Mage)

"You two should stop fighting so much..." (Killing a Recon and Striker with the same blow)

"Sorry about wrecking your toys, Engie/Recon!" (Destroying a Building)

"Do you mind volunteering for my next performance?" (Kill Assist)

"You know, we might make a better team than everyone else..." (Kill Assist from a Mage or Alchemist)

"I guess science _can_ coexist with magic. Don't you think?" (Kill Assist from an Engineer or Recon)

"I... think your face is the reason many avoids you..." (Kill Assist from an Arsonist or Striker)

"I would saw you in half, but it is too stereotypical, so..." (Domination)

"Hold still, or I turn you into a rabbit!" (Dominating a Scout)

"I know its an American military thing, but I could actually turn someone into an actual maggot. Like you, for example." (Dominating a Soldier)

"Even I can't tell, are you even human?" (Dominating a Pyro)

"I said _saw_ in half, not _blown up_ in half! *mumbling* Bloody Scotsman..." (Dominating a Demoman)

"You keep treating your gun like a person, and it... she might come alive to romantically haunt you someday..." (Dominating a Heavy)

"I guess technology could have been much more advance were it not for the Dark Ages..." (Dominating an Engineer)

"Tell Hitler that he does not deserve to see any magic tricks!" (Dominating a Medic)

"You had it for observing people from a distance. Too bad you're not intimidating enough!" (Dominating a Sniper)

"I know someone who can literally become someone else with magic, but that was about a century ago." (Dominating a Spy)

"If you put on my face again, I swear, I will turn you into a worm and then step on you!" (Dominating a Spy who happens to be disguised as a Mage)

"Madoka has nothing on what I can do!" (Dominating a Ninja)

"*mimicking pirate accent* Down to Davy Jones' Locker!" (Dominating a Sailor)

"I say, you are most definitely the most dangerous Malaysian in this world, even if you're born in Vietnam!" (Dominating an Arsonist)

"...But, you are not the same as me. Too bad~" (Dominating a Mage)

"Alchemy first started as the ability to make gold out of nothing, but today gold is pretty much worthless, so you're pretty much outdated." (Dominating an Alchemist)

"I have something in mind for you, but it might be too stereotypical for your country. So, dominated~" (Dominating a Recon)

"No thanks, I think I'll stick with magic tricks, thank you." (Dominating an Inflictor)

"Your musics are bad, and I can guess your singing will be worse..." (Dominating a Musician)

"Not to sound rude, but _since when_ have your country ever minded only its own business?" (Dominating a Striker)

"You turned me into a worm, so I turn you into a smaller worm~" (Revenge kills)

"Rabbit-in-hat is too stereotypical. I am going to perform a neater trick~" (Round start)

"Uh... Did I just duplicate myself, again?" (Round start, if all teammates are Mages)

"Were you expecting a whole rabbit? Too bad I pulled out just a head from the magic hat..." (Sudden Death)

"They did as well as we do... *sobs*" (Stalemate)

"Hot, hot, hot, hot, _hot_!" (On fire)

"Ew, gross!" (Covered in Jarate, Mad Milk or their variations)

"Can't feel my..." (Paralyzed by Inflictor)

"And _that_ is _why_ I perform my tricks in silence!" (Set on fire by a Musician's Vuvuzela Of Doom or Erectin' A BOOM)

"I can't teleport on my own, so thanks, Engie~" (Using a Teleporter)

"Thank you, doctor~" (Healed by a Medic)

"This is one witch you don't want to meet!" (Ubercharged)

"Can't believe I'm impressed by my own performance..." (Earning an Achievement)

"I don't know what is in there, but my friends needed it~" (Capturing Intelligence)

"*Whispers* Can't believe its against the rules to capture a Point from a distance..." (Control Point captured)

"That cart does not move itself!" (Attacking, Payload goes forward)

"It doesn't forward by itself, but it is when in reverse!" (Attacking, Payload goes back)

"We should stop that cart! ...By standing near it?" (Defending, Payload goes forward)

"It seems really weird that the cart can be stopped by just standing next to it, but oh well..." (Defending, Payload goes back)

"Stand next to the cart, or I'm going to fuse you into it with a spell!" (Attacking, stay close to Payload; Defending, stop the Payload)

"Something must be stopping it...!" (Attacking, Payload has stopped)

* * *

 **The video**

Camera shows an unidentified patch of forest in the mid-afternoon.

Large explosion erupts from somewhere within the forest. The entire NEW Team is seen running out from the fireball while being pursued by an army of BLUs.

Arsonist who has a bandage on his forehead stops suddenly while the other NEWs kept on running. He dropped almost his entire payload of C4 Satchels, and was about to press the detonator and blow them all up when several Sandman balls hit him in the head simultaneously and stuns him. A mob of BLU Scouts proceed to gang up on Arsonist with their Sandman bats.

Camera cuts to Ninja and Recon running away from the BLU army, both of whom have Huntsman arrows or Crusader's Crossbow bolts skewering their arms.

"Run faster!" Ninja calls out. "They are performing a _banzai_ charge!"

"I know!" Recon replies furiously. "Even the 38th Parallel didn't have this many soldiers!"

Camera cuts to several BLU Demomen firing their Loose Cannon at Ninja and Recon. The camera trails the projectiles all the way to one of them hitting Recon in the back, causing him to loose balance and slam face-first into a tree and dropping his reading glasses onto the forest ground in the process. Another Loose Cannon cannonball lands short of Ninja, the explosion launching her with enough force to throw her into a tree branch which she is dangled on.

Camera cuts over to Striker running for a while, before he turns around and lays down suppressive fire with his Assault Rifle while running backwards. "Jug-eum!" He yells out in Korean, before he is offed by several BLU Snipers from off-screen landing Machina shots on him in rapid succession, one of which is a headshot.

Camera cuts to Inflictor, who only got to fire off a single shot from her Dart Gun, which - as the camera follows and shows - only manages to hit a Level 3 BLU Sentry Gun. The camera slowly pans backwards to reveal a row of Rescue Ranger-wielding BLU Engineers whom fires their weapon at her (with predictable results as the camera did not pan back to Inflictor).

Camera now cuts to Musician, who is running while constantly looking behind him. "Which one should I play?! Sleep tune? Depression tune? Nerve-wrenching tune?!"

Camera pauses for a short moment to let Musician run off-screen, and a squad of BLU Soldiers equipped with Rocket Jumpers and Mantreads pauses in front of the camera before they all performs a Rocket Jump...

...And the camera cuts back to Musician, as he gets stomped on by one Rocket Jumping BLU Soldier after another. Several sheets of papers with sheet music printed on them can be seen flying out of Musician's hands when the first BLU Soldier stomps on him.

Camera now cuts to the last NEW mercenary - Sailor, who comes across a clearing in the forest, and runs toward a small cottage that is placed in the center of this clearing.

Sailor runs toward the cottage, and starts pounding on the front door with his fists in worry, while shouting "Mage, open up! This is a bloody emergency!"

The sound of miniguns being revved up sent chills down Sailor's spine, as he turns around and finds himself face to face with eight Brass Beast BLU Heavies, each of whom have at least eight Kritzkrieg Medics healing them.

That's about eight Octo-Heavies at the same time.

"Oh, bloody he..." Sailor didn't even get to finish his curse before the Octo-Heavies gets Kritzkrieg Ubercharged and unloads their Brass Beasts on him.

Camera cuts away from the carnage, which sprays Sailor's blood from off-screen all over the screen accompanied his death cry.

Main theme of _Team Fortress 2_ plays over the title card of _Meet The Mage_. A Broomstick (Mage's stock Melee Weapon) can be seen leaning against the title card, next to a fancy table which a Magic Wand (Mage's stock Primary Weapon) is placed on.

Camera cuts back to the same blood splatter, while the BLUs can be heard spamming Taunts from outside. The camera slowly pans back to reveal that said blood splatter is not sprayed against the camera lens, but rather one of the windows of the cottage. The camera is now inside the cottage, as it pans back further and further into the cottage. After a while, the camera stopped panning back, and starts panning down to show Mage arguing with Alchemist.

The argument took place in incomprehensible Latin for a while before it suddenly became English.

"Why not?!" Mage asked furiously.

Alchemist replies with a very straight forward "Because you are a girl, and a battlefield is no place for a girl."

"What?!" Mage's anger rose a degree. "Because I'm a girl?! What about Ninja and Inflictor out there?!"

Alchemist became silent for a short while, before replying with an also straightforward "Because... I said so."

Mage turns around and begins walking away from Alchemist to a bookshelf. "Because you said so...?"

The British magician then turns toward a table that is next to the bookshelf. A Magic Wand can be seen placed on that table.

"Or is it because you are too lazy to come up with a reason...?" Mage said while picking up the Magic Wand. "Or... because synthesizing gold is the only thing in your mind right now?"

Without warning, Mage casted a spell at the direction of Alchemist, who barely manages to sidestep out of the way. The spell went on with its trajectory until it hits a BLU Scout who is standing outside the clean window, transforming him into a jar of Mad Milk. The Mad Milk-fied BLU Scout stayed in the air for a handful of seconds, before he exclaims "Freakin' unbelievable!" and falls onto the ground wherein he shatters like any jars of Mad Milk.

"Oh, that is not what I have in mind." Mage comments when she sees the BLU Scout getting jinxed. "But my point is still valid, Alchemist."

Alchemist also noticed the BLU Scout getting jinxed. He looked at that window for a short while before turning back to Mage.

"Uh... Point taken. After all, history recorded several well-known women warriors in what would become the United Kingdoms..."

By that point, Mage has already begun to gear up for battle as the BLU army outside her house starts to pound on the door with their Melee Weapons.

"Nice to hear that, Alchemist." She said, while grabbing several vials of Healing Potions. "But, do you care to give me a hand?"

The Irish magician raises both his hands to demonstrate that he came without his Staff. "I can't, even if I wanted to. Didn't expect the BLU Team to overpower our teammates and actually find their way here..."

Mage seems to raise an eyebrow on hearing Alchemist's statement, and then said, "Sit back and watch how a girl do things, then~"

Camera cuts to outside the door of Mage's house. The BLUs have taken several steps back while their Demomen lay down a mass of Scottish Resistance sticky-bombs around the door, and was ready to blow it up...

...Until the door suddenly opens, and something akin to an Airblast on steroids blew all the stickies back to the Demoman that laid then just as they are pulling the detonator. Camera cuts back to the door right before the BLU Demomen gets blown into gibs.

Mage comes walking out of the door, and takes a look at the army of BLUs.

"Show's on~"

Rock music from the Ubercharge scene of _Meet The Medic_ starts playing.

As Mage walks closer to the BLUs, the BLU Soldiers attempts a Rocket Jump with their Rocket Jumpers (only instead of trying to stomp on her, they brandished their Market Gardeners). Mage nonchalantly blows them away with so much power they went beyond the skies using a Reflection Spell.

While the other BLUs watched their Soldiers getting ejected from the battlefield, Mage took the opportunity to throw a vial of Healing Potion at Sailor who at this point is full of bullet holes and lying on the ground. Getting splashed by the Healing Potion caused Sailor to get back on his own two feet quickly, with the bullet holes healing almost instantaneously and his uniform somehow repairing itself. Sailor bended over to pick up his Harpoon Gun and Anchor, before saying "Thanks' Mage!" and charged himself toward the BLUs.

For a period of time, another firefight took place, only this time its the NEWs sending the BLUs in retreat. Mage used her Reflection Spell to deflect any projectiles and approaching BLU mercenaries while Sailor slowly and steadily kills them off with his weapons.

When she got close enough, Mage threw a vial of Healing Potion at Musician, who lays where he was as a bloodied pile of human and musical instruments. He too got up to his feet, and proceeds to cave in the skulls of any approaching BLU Atomizer Scouts with his Weighted Violin while laughing like a maniac.

The BLUs retreats further back as the carnage draws on. Mage throws more Healing Potions, this time at Inflictor, Striker, Ninja and Recon.

Inflictor's snapped neck seems to correct itself, Striker actually regenerating from a Machina headshot, Recon removes himself from being face-planted in a tree trunk and then pulling the offending Huntsman arrow straight out of his right arm while picking up his reading glasses from the ground, and Ninja suddenly wakes up and jumps down from the tree branch she is dangling on while brandishing her Katana.

The NEWs proceeds to whittle down the BLUs' numbers much further. By the time the massacre was over, only the eight BLU Brass Beast Octo-Heavies and their Kritzkrieg Medics were left.

The remaining BLUs watched as Mage revives Arsonist, who proceeds to pulls out his bandage and gestures the BLUs to look at their feet.

The C4 Satchels that he laid down near the beginning of the video were still there, still armed.

The BLU Heavies and Medic could only scream in terror when Arsonist pulled the trigger that detonated all three satchels. The camera pans back to the NEWs with BLU Heavy and Medic gibs flying into the screen and lands near the NEWs.

Mage can be seen clapping her hands happily.

"Okay, guys. Show's over~"

 _Meet The Team_ -styled ending. Mage is seen resting one end of her Broomstick on her right shoulder while holding the other end with her right hand. She is also pointing her Magic Wand at the camera.

 _Team Fortress 2: Mann Of Conspiracy._


	7. Meet The Alchemist

**Meet The Alchemist**

Name: real name unknown, currently using "Storm" as alternate alias.

Home town: Dublin, Ireland.

Job: Mixing up questionable materials.

Motto: "There are no pots of gold at the end of rainbows."

Longest accident-free days in a row: 9

Description: Being from a country and of a secondary occupation never before seen in mercenaries, Alchemist often tells people that the truth is sometimes much more unbelievable than fiction. The truth in this case being that he never actually finished his studying of alchemy.

* * *

 **Voice Commands**

"Now where is that almost-Nazi who heals people?" ("Medic!")

"Thank you." (Thanks)

"Portals are beyond me, so use your feet instead, would you?" ("Go Go Go!")

"Going left..." ("Head Left!")

"Going right..." ("Head Right!")

"Yes..."

"No..."

"Get out of the way!" ("Incoming!")

"A Spy..." ("Spy!")

"You... Are a Spy..." ("That *class* is a Spy!")

"You... Are not with us..." ("That Spy is not our Spy!")

"Sentry over there..." ("Sentry ahead!")

"Shocker over there..." ("Mini-Tesla ahead!")

"Jammer over there..." ("Jammer ahead!")

"Beacon over there..." ("Beacon ahead!")

"Put a Sentry here..."

"Put a Dispenser here..."

"Put a Teleporter here..."

"Put a shocker here..."

"Put a Jammer here..."

"Put a Beacon here..."

"I need the Ubercharge!"

"I may need help!" ("Help!")

"Defend... *deep voice* HERE!" (standing on friendly Control Point)

"Capture... *deep voice* THIS!" (capturing Control Point)

"*deep voice* Welcome... TO YOUR DOOM!" (Battle cry)

"This... will be interesting..." (Battle cry, enemy is Mage or Alchemist)

"How would you... describe my powers?" (Battle cry, enemy is Engineer or Recon that have no active buildings)

"Even without a soul, your minions are still going down to hell..." (Battle cry, enemy is Engineer or Recon that have active buildings)

"Just because I am not wielding my staff today doesn't mean I can't be as intimidating!" (Battle cry, while equipped with weapons like Frying Pan or Saxxy)

"Good..." (Cheers)

"You... Are a disgrace..." (Jeers)

"That is a good contribution to the team..." (Positive)

"Useless trash should just stay away..." (Negative)

* * *

 **Responses**

"I await your return from the afterlife!" (Multi-kill in 20 seconds with any Primary Weapon)

"I hope you can adapt to living inside a book!" (Multi-kill in 20 seconds with any Secondary Weapon that is a tome)

"Now... this is what alchemy really started out for." (Kills with Golden Frying Pan or Saxxy)

"Your constructs are no match for my powers!" (Destroying an Engineer or Recon's building)

"Teamwork is good." (Kill Assists)

"*Deep voice* FEEL MY POWER!" (Domination, regardless of victim's class)

"Just... How many times have you visited the afterlife...?" (Dominating the same enemy three times in a row)

"I rise... *deep voice* FROM MY GRAVE!" (Revenge Kills)

"*Incomprehensible, perhaps Gaelic muttering*" (Round Starts)

"They may have just put a literal nail on our figurative coffins..." (Sudden Death)

"I'm the only one who has yet to enter the one-way gates of hell..." (Sudden Death and is the only player left on team)

"This ended with neither losers nor winners." (Stalemate)

"There is nothing to be calm about being on fire!" (Set on fire)

"Disgusting..." (Hit by Jarate, Mad Milk or variations thereof)

"What an insult to music." (Set on fire by a Musician's Vuvuzela Of Doom or Erectin' A BOOM)

"Portals are not within my limits, so I appreciate what I've just used." (Using a Teleporter)

"*Deep voice* DEATH AWAITS YOU!" (Ubercharged)

"I have no use for this, but they have..." (Capturing Intelligence)

"Why do we fight over a cart...?" (Payload games, regardless of team or status of Payload)

* * *

 **The video**

The video starts right away without a title card, similar to how _Meet The Heavy_ lacked one.

The video starts out with a wizard's cauldron as the focus, and then slowly pans upward as Alchemist approaches it from the other side.

Alchemist then inserts his Staff into the cauldron, and starts stirring the questionable brew contained in it.

He turns toward the camera - without stopping what he is doing - and begins his self-introduction.

"I am... The Alchemist. And this..." He pauses for a few seconds as he points his left hand around the scene. "...Is my domain." He continues stirring the questionable brew. "Few mortals have seen this place and lived to tell about it, and you..." He points at the camera, and by extension the cameraman. "...Will be one of those few."

The cauldron releases a small puff of pink smoke, but Alchemist hardly reacts to it.

"It has cost me only the equivalent of twelve Euros to maintain it... for four hundred thousand seasons..."

Camera cuts to the same scene, seen from another angle, as a bigger puff of pink smoke erupts from the cauldron, causing Alchemist to take a step back and cover his face with his left hand.

Camera cuts to behind Alchemist, who is inspecting a jar of equally questionable ingredient, muttering "The content of this jar has been swapped out..." He then throws the jar off-screen in anger, and exclaims in a deep voice "WHO ELSE INTRUDED MY DOMAIN?!"

Camera cuts back to the original angle, showing Alchemist emptying the contents of a different jar of questionable ingredients into the cauldron.

"Some mortals think they can best monsters in a duel. Perhaps... I have yet to meet one who hasn't become a monster himself."

After another three seconds of stirring, Alchemist removes his Staff from the cauldron...

...And the camera immediately cuts to Coaltown - since remade for Deathmatch games. Camera pans around the rooftop in front of where the Robot Mercenaries' entry point used to be, showing Alchemist helping the NEWs devastate the BLUs with a series of lightning bolts fired out from the tip of his Staff, while he exclaims "Sic semper... ORBIS!" [Thus is... THE WORLD!]

Camera blacks out for one whole second, before the _Meet The NEW Team_ outro interjects in and ends the video. Alchemist can be seen standing behind the rest of the NEW Team, holding his Staff up in the air in a similar manner as when he's using his Smite attack Taunt.

 _Team Fortress 2: Mann Of Conspiracy_


End file.
